It’s kind of odd, but I’m looking forward to not really having anything once I move.
A fresh start.
I’ve sold my couches, my TV, my desk, my trashcan, and my pants for god’s sake.
Every night I come home, and I sit in my empty living room (on a pillow of course, because I’m an old fart at heart), and I lean back against the wall and take in the silence and nothingness. It’s oddly refreshing.
Calm and nothingness.
You remember back in high school at the end of each summer you had the exciting opportunity to reinvent yourself before the new school year? You know, like Madonna?
My biggest change occurred the summer after freshman year. I left that high school in June 1999 wearing an oversized men’s plaid polo with a mismatched striped long sleeve T underneath, baggy jeans, and my blue Airwalks. A mere two months later, I returned clad head to frickin toe in American Eagle. I had decided I was done being a skater girl. And that’s ok. But the thing is, that’s the sort of decision that can only occur over a summer away from the analytical eyes of your peers. It’s not a mid-school year decision.
I feel like this is what I need right now in my life. A fresh start.
Somewhere along the line I started loading all this weight on myself. Things that needed done, ways I needed to act, performance goals I needed to obtain, and the worst of them all is the emotional stress I naturally internalize. I hate conflict. Despise it actually. Hence my apathy toward politics. When faced with conflict, my natural reaction is to dissuade it as quickly as possible. Even if that means internalizing my anger or my unhappiness. Better in than out.
And that is just, well, mentally exhausting! I naturally try to carry the burden so others don’t have to. Until I reach the point of explosion, that is.
I know, without a doubt, that I will miss my family. And I’ll be sad, and probably lonely! Not to mention a little scared. Even with knowing all of this, I’m just looking forward to being ME and being FREE.
I want love my job and be challenged to grow by it. I want to move around (literally) and walk EVERYWHERE until my feet hurt from the exploration. I want to go to farmers markets, and eat clean delicious food, and cook my heart out, and do whatever sounds fun at the moment. Step outside my comfort zone. Learn more about ME.
You know, like Madonna 🙂