After 2 hours and 45 minutes at the North Carolina DMV, I walked away… lighter.

Lighter from the extreme amount of sweating I did while standing outside the DMV in 94 degree heat… in my business suit… for one hour and 55 minutes.

Lighter from the calories I must have burned while frantically fanning myself with a copy of the North Carolina Driver’s License Manual that a coworker so nicely gave to me.

Lighter from the evil glares that shot from my body toward the DMV worker who told me (after waiting 2 hours and 15 minutes) that I was “wasting my time cuz there was no way they’d get to me before the 4:30 close time.”

Lighter from the happy dance I did when, a mere 5 minutes before close, that same worker said they’d take ONE more tester, and low and behold, that one more was ME! EEE!

Lighter from the woosh of air that escaped me when the same DMV worker told me, a mere 15 seconds later, that I absolutely had to have a social security card, and no a passport would not do, and sorry ma’am but the manual absolutely does not say that an Ohio driver’s license will suffice even if it has your social security number on it.  And yes while laminating your social security card seemed like a good idea when you were 16, nowadays that makes the card void…

Lighter from the tears that gushed down my face as I bolted to the car frantically flipping through the manual to the page that listed the required identification documents.

Lighter as I stormed frantic yet triumphant back into the DMV with a moment to spare, past a long line of eyes wondering who this crazy suit-clad crying lady was, as I frantically pointed at the guide SHOWING her I was not crazy and that the guide DID say my social security number laden license would do.

Lighter from the defeat that washed over me simultaneously sucking out every ounce of gumption I’d mustered as she flipped to the inside cover and showed me the guide I had been giving was sadly three years out of date and no longer valid.

Lighter from the mental break down I had in my car in the DMV parking lot.

Lighter from deciding in a rash moment to close myself off from the world by symbolically turning off my cell phone (which lasted a whole 27 minutes).

Lighter.

…

I need some ice cream.

It’s kind of odd, but I’m looking forward to not really having anything once I move. 

A fresh start.

I’ve sold my couches, my TV, my desk, my trashcan, and my pants for god’s sake.

Every night I come home, and I sit in my empty living room (on a pillow of course, because I’m an old fart at heart), and I lean back against the wall and take in the silence and nothingness.  It’s oddly refreshing. 

Calm and nothingness.

You remember back in high school at the end of each summer you had the exciting opportunity to reinvent yourself before the new school year?  You know, like Madonna? 

My biggest change occurred the summer after freshman year.  I left that high school in June 1999 wearing an oversized men’s plaid polo with a mismatched striped long sleeve T underneath, baggy jeans, and my blue Airwalks.  A mere two months later, I returned clad head to frickin toe in American Eagle.  I had decided I was done being a skater girl.  And that’s ok.  But the thing is, that’s the sort of decision that can only occur over a summer away from the analytical eyes of your peers.  It’s not a mid-school year decision.

I feel like this is what I need right now in my life.  A fresh start.

Somewhere along the line I started loading all this weight on myself.  Things that needed done, ways I needed to act, performance goals I needed to obtain, and the worst of them all is the emotional stress I naturally internalize.  I hate conflict.  Despise it actually. Hence my apathy toward politics.  When faced with conflict, my natural  reaction is to dissuade it as quickly as possible.  Even if that means internalizing my anger or my unhappiness.  Better in than out. 

And that is just, well, mentally exhausting!  I naturally try to carry the burden so others don’t have to.  Until I reach the point of explosion, that is.

I know, without a doubt, that I will miss my family.  And I’ll be sad, and probably lonely!  Not to mention a little scared.  Even with knowing all of this, I’m just looking forward to being ME and being FREE.

I want love my job and be challenged to grow by it.  I want to move around (literally) and walk EVERYWHERE until my feet hurt from the exploration.  I want to go to farmers markets, and eat clean delicious food, and cook my heart out, and do whatever sounds fun at the moment.  Step outside my comfort zone.  Learn more about ME. 

You know, like Madonna 🙂